i wonder if i ever smiled quite like that before

as what has become the usual, just when i'm feeling frustrated/bored/unappreciated within this entire M situation, he comes through. oh, M...

he was actually online, and we chatted. he was in a seminar, which is why he had to take this latest business trip that he wanted me to come along on, and IM'ed from his laptop. we had only a few moments of idle banter before i told him that i miss him very much. his reply: "I was beginning to wonder about that". when i asked why, he simply said, "I was joking of course..I just miss you very very much". yes, joking...because that couldn't be his insecurity talking there, which is beginning to be a real turn-off. of course, it also is what endears me to him...so what aren't i ambivalent toward?

he hints that he's already bought my birthday gift (it's a few weeks off...bonus points for the forethought) and then asks how i'd feel about stealing away for a few hours to a hotel next week. see how he mentioned the gift first? clever.

so we're on for getting it on next week. i'm not excited yet...give me a few days.

he then asks if he can call in a little while, and i say that i'm not sure if i'll be able to talk (the boyfriend was already home at this point) but that he should take his chances. and he does...he calls right then. he left his seminar, and i hid in the bedroom. our chat was brief, but it was wonderful...just hearing his voice was bliss, and i felt myself smiling...it's a smile i seem to have only with him, only for him.

how's that for a hook?

M hasn't emailed in several days, and i was the last to do so. he IM'ed me yesterday when i was online, and i just couldn't help it...i didn't reply. so i'm supposed to be available to talk whenever he deigns to acknowledge my existence? fuck that and fuck him. ugh, i know...i am so playing the stupid game. it's just so frustrating...i already date one guy that makes me feel inadequate and gives me little attention...dating another is not going to keep me going to the gym.

which is what makes the prospect of having a new man on the side so enticing.

details to follow...

dear gentle reader...

i've remarked upon each comment i've been left, as i think it's the least i can do to express my appreciation that someone not only has taken the time to read any of my writings here (thank you to everyone who has read and hasn't commented... and i very much welcome your thoughts!) but has then felt engaged enough to opine. i especially am touched by those of you who have shared that you are in a similar situation, as this isn't the sort of topic i tend to bring up with friends (example of a conversation segue i won't be making: "and your little niece is going to be your flower girl at the wedding? you and your fiance must be so excited! speaking of excited, so the married guy i'm fucking around with fingered me in a restroom the other day..."), and i feel comforted to know there are those of you who can truly empathize. i also feel grateful no one has left any "fuck you, ya two-bit homewreckin' hussy" (because clearly only extras from a community theatre production of "annie get your gun" would be so judgmental). and because i probably have jinxed my good luck, i welcome the impending onslaught of "slut" rebukes.

so a kind anonymous reader left the following comment on my previous post...

"Wow, what is it about men in these situations. They can turn it on and off in a heartbeat. I know exactly where you're coming from. Am in a similar situation. Some days "D" is so easy to talk to get in touch with then the next day, boom, no response from him. I never know if he's testing me to see who can hold out the longest with getting in touch. What does this prove anyway?
Enough about me...my question to you...are you over him? or are you getting too attached that it bothers you the way he's treating you?"

and as i began responding in the "comments" section, i quickly realized that my reply would be better served as a full-blown post for two reasons: 1) this comment provided an entree to directly address my lovely/handsome readers who all have such pretty hair and don't need to lose any weight at all (i'm just going with what i like to hear) and, 2) this comment simply got my mind going. and so in response...

so this isn't an isolated situation...thank you so much for sharing. i often wonder if i'm participating in some undeclared power struggle that i did not sign up for. i simply want to be with M because i feel better about myself when i'm with him, though i can't say the reasons i feel worse without him are so simple to consider or to explain. with M, i think the push-pull is about affection and security...when he's feeling pretty good about who he is within our dynamic, he holds off on contacting me so that i'll work for his attention, therefore bolstering his sense of control in our relationship...and when he fears i may be losing interest, he's emailing and IM'ing and calling. i'll admit that i like when he gets like that since it reaffirms his interest in me, though i never withold contact toward that end...sometimes life just gets in the way, and i would think he'd understand, as it's generally his schedule we work around, but i digress. you asked if i'm over him or rather quite attached...and i ask myself this everyday now. when i wrote my previous post, i would have said i felt more the former, but at this very moment...i worry it's more the latter than i'd like to admit even to myself. he hasn't contacted me since last friday, not even a hackneyed "miss you" quickie email...and i feel so deflated and alone. i just want to be near him, or at least hear from him. i hate this.

and i feel your frustration with your "D" and am sorry that putting up with that seems to be part of the cost you pay to be with him. i hope you are looking out for yourself, as he is surely looking out for his own best interests, and that you don't allow yourself to get taken advantage of...and i do very much try to take my own advice.

wow, i feel the need to end this with a formal ending of some sort, so...

yours in infidelity,
hussy mcgee

i think the romance is dead

i broke down and emailed him again, just a short and sweet "thinking of you" kinda email. i actually get a response back...wow, i have acknowledgment...wherein he says he's thinking of me and wishes i could go on that other trip that involves flying. he adds that we'll need a hotel date (i.e., time to fuck) when he returns from the trip next week.

at this point, i want to fuck him just to get it out of the way rather than to quell any carnal craving.

oh god...am i over him?

where is the "love"?

it's monday...and no phone call from M, not even a reply to my last email. what the hell happened to his "we'll talk monday"? i wouldn't say this is reflective of the behavior of someone who "loves" me. this tires and bores me.

i hate "talks"

sent M a brief email saying that i miss him and was glad to have chatted with him late last night/early this morning...this felt like a safe way to bring up our last convo so that he hopefully will say something, anything, about it. he emails that he misses me and would like to talk on monday. hmm, stating a particular day upon which we should talk...perhaps a relationship talk is in our immediate future. hmm, a talk...i want to discuss the L-bomb, but that's as far as i want any "talk" to go, though that's plenty in and of itself.

the L-bomb

i was online at 3am, and who else should be online as well...from Boston...alone in his hotel room (yay, no one replacing me)...and perhaps slightly inebriated (which would prove to be either a truth or lie serum, i do not know). we had the usual chitchat...i miss you, i miss you too, i wish you were here, i wish you were here too, blah fuckity blah, and then this...

"I love you so much you know"

aw, for fuck's sake, seriously...what the hell am i supposed to do with that? and this was soon followed by the not so unexpected and therefore dreaded "do you love me?"

i don't know how to feel about this or how to proceed with him from here. bottom line, i don't believe it, especially as he later proclaimed he loved me "unconditionally". my inner voice tells me this is absolute, though strangely romantic, bullshit, and i cannot remember a time when my inner voice has been proven wrong for me. and i keep wondering what his motivation was for saying such a thing...perhaps he simply wanted to hear me (or anyone) say "i love you" to him, or he wants to believe that i do so feel that way, or he's just feeling insecure about our relationship and this would help to allay any fears, or he's trying to manipulate me to truly fall in love with him, or he thinks that by convincing me that he loves me he can more easily manipulate me into doing whatever he wants...i just don't know.

i wish i could say i asked him just that, but instead i pussed out and did a half-assed job of asking if he meant what he said, to which he of course replied yes. and when asked if i loved him, i continued to puss out and rambled a rationalization that surely, with so many types of love and all the connotations people have of the concept i, uh, um, perhaps, however slightly, you know...love him, too. god, i really hate me sometimes.

and now what? do i grow myself a nice bit of spine and confront him, lay out all my confused feelings, and demand an explanation? or do i continue to follow his lead, wait for him to bring it up...or not...and simply parrot back an "i love you" if faced with the declaration again?

how did my fanciful fling become so complicated?

and i hope it rains

because it seems the wife is determined to go to Boston...a little part of me wonders if she suspects something, but i've been told it's not unusual for her to go with on the business trips...M came up with a little idea. he suggested i come to Boston the night his wife is leaving, as he is staying an extra day alone. we would then have 2 nights together and travel back to manhattan together.

here's why i declined...

first, since it's about a week away, it's short notice. suggesting a seemingly impromptu trip to Boston would seem suspect to the boyfriend. also, personally, i simply find it too little notice, like the way i would decline if a man asked me to go on a date with him in less than 48 hours. this whore does have some standards. and arriving/sneaking in the same night the wife leaves, and then fucking M in the same bed he had just shared with his wife, regardless if lame married sex occurred or not...again with the standards.

i told him i hope he enjoys Boston even without me...but i so didn't mean it.